It Takes One to Know One Read online

  PUFFIN BOOKS

  It Takes One to Know One

  Gervase Phinn is a teacher, freelance lecturer, author, poet, educational consultant, school inspector, visiting professor of education and, last but by no means least, father of four. Most of his time is spent in schools with teachers and children.

  His first book, The Other Side of the Dale, was published in March 1998, followed in 2000 by Over Hill and Dale. This is his first book for children.

  Other book by Gervase Phinn

  THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DALE

  OVER HILL AND DALE

  Gervase Phinn

  It Takes One to Know One

  Illustrated by Chris Mould

  PUFFIN BOOKS

  PUFFIN BOOKS

  Published by the Penguin Group

  Penguin Books Ltd. 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  Penguin Putnam Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA

  Penguin Books Australia Ltd, 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia

  Penguin Books Canada Ltd, 10 Alcorn Avenue, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4V 3B2

  Penguin Books India (P) Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park, New Delhi – 110 017, India

  Penguin Books (NZ) Ltd, Cnr Rosedale and Airborne Roads, Albany, Auckland, New Zealand

  Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank 2196, South Africa

  Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  www.penguin.com

  ‘Classroom Creatures’, ‘SchoolTrip’, ‘Book week’, ‘Class Discussion’, ‘The Little Chatterbox’, ‘Bible Class’, ‘My Teacher’, ‘Christmas Presents for Miss’, ‘Parents’ Evening’, ‘Interrogation in the Nursery’, ‘Poetry Lesson’, ‘Farmgirl’, ‘Asking Questions’, ‘Mr Lee Teaches Poetry’ and ‘Once Upon a Time’ first published in Classroom Creatures, by Roselea Publications, 1996

  ‘It Takes One to Know One’, edited by John Foster, first published in Crack Another Yolk, by Oxford University Press, 1996

  This collection published 2001

  16

  Text copyright © Gervase Phinn, 2001

  Illustrations copyright © Chris Mould, 2001

  All rights reserved

  The moral right of the author and illustrator has been asserted

  Except in the United States of America, this book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser

  British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data

  A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library

  ISBN: 978-0-14-195681-7

  Contents

  Treasure

  Father Said

  Mother to Son

  I Only Asked

  It Takes One to Know One

  Our Dog Tiny

  Maths Homework

  Last Request

  Asking Questions

  The Little Chatterbox

  Farmgirl

  Book Week

  Classroom Creatures

  Christmas Presents for Miss

  Class Discussion

  Parents’ Evening

  Mr Lee Teaches Poetry

  Poetry Lesson

  Bible Class

  My Teacher

  Once Upon a Time

  School Trip

  Interrogation in the Nursery

  Christmas Lights

  Too Clever by Half

  Holiday to Remember

  My Monstrous Bear

  Reading Round the Class

  Conversation at the School Gates

  The Way I Am

  Samantha-Jayne

  Leaving Home

  The Inspector Calls

  Earwax

  Auntie Penny’s Pets

  Bee in the Classroom

  Remembrance Day

  The Last Word

  Please Leave on the Light!

  The Pirate

  Top Twenty Things That Parents Never Say

  Lizzie’s Road

  When I Am Old

  The Day Mum Brought the Baby Home

  Let’s Face It

  Remember Me?

  If You Go Down to the Woods Today

  Five Clerihews

  Today, I Feel

  Supply Teacher

  Interview with the Headmaster

  First Love

  Dad’s Diet

  Unlucky Uncle Eric

  Bilingualist

  Secret Love

  Night Noises

  Losing Your Marbles

  Index of First Lines

  Treasure

  Opening the covers of a book

  Is like lifting the lid of a treasure chest.

  Look inside and you will find

  Golden stories and glittering characters.

  Some are given a map to show where X marks the spot.

  Some are given the precious key to open the lock.

  Some are helped to lift the heavy lid.

  But for some it will remain hidden treasure.

  Father Said

  My father said, ‘There is no such word as can’t!’

  Well, I looked it up in the dictionary and there is,

  And I told him so.

  He got angry.

  He can’t take a joke my father!

  Mother to Son

  Eat your breakfast – you should always start the day on a full stomach!

  Remember to clean your teeth – a bright smile makes all the difference!

  Wash behind your ears – I can see a tide mark from here!

  Change that shirt – the collar looks grubby!

  Brush your shoes – they’re all scuffed!

  Change your socks – you can’t go to school in those!

  Take a clean handkerchief – and give your nose a blow!

  Straighten that tie – it’s at half mast!

  Comb your hair – you look like a scarecrow!

  Take a jacket – in case it rains!

  Put your sandwiches in your bag – you’d lose your head if it wasn’t screwed on!

  Don’t forget your school books and I hope you’ve finished all your work!

  Be in before it gets dark!

  You’d think at forty-four and a headmaster,

  you would be able to make a few decisions for yourself!

  I Only Asked

  On Sunday Dominic asked his dad:

  ‘Which is the brightest star?’

  ‘Ask your mum,’ his dad replied,

  ‘I have to clean the car.’

  On Monday Dominic asked his mum:

  ‘What’s a carburettor?’

  ‘Ask your dad,’ his mum replied,

  ‘I’ve got to post this letter.’

  On Tuesday Dominic asked his dad,

  ‘What’s a UFO?’

  ‘Ask your mum,’ his dad replied,

  ‘The grass, it needs a mow.’

  On Thursday Dominic asked his dad:

  ‘How tall are kangaroos?’

  ‘Ask your mum,’ his dad replied,

  ‘I’m listening to the news.’

  On Friday Dominic asked his dad:

  ‘Do all kings have a crown?’

  ‘Ask your mum,’ his dad replied,

  ‘I’m going into town.’

  On Saturday Dominic asked them both:

  ‘Do you mind me asking things,

  About stars and cars and life on Mars

  And kangaroos and kings?’

/>   ‘Of course we don’t,’ his dad replied,

  ‘Ask questions as you grow.’

  ‘By asking things,’ his mother cried,

  ‘That’s how you get to know.’

  Little Dominic scratched his head,

  And simply answered, ‘Oh!’

  It Takes One to Know One

  LIBRARIANS take it as read

  HISTORIANS take you aback

  CARPENTERS take the edge off

  REBELS take up cudgels

  HOROLOGISTS take one’s time

  CARDIOLOGISTS take heart

  TAXI DRIVERS take you for a ride

  SNOOKER PLAYERS take one’s cue

  KLEPTOMANIACS take it from there

  PILOTS take off

  PATIENTS take their medicine

  HURDLERS take a running jump

  COSMETICIANS take a powder

  SURGEONS take it out of you

  SOLDIERS take steps

  DUELLISTS take the point

  PURSUERS take after me

  HYPOCRITES take on the appearance of

  GOOD SAMARITANS take somebody in

  LEVITATORS take somebody up on something

  WASHERWOMEN take down a peg or two

  FOOTBALL MANAGERS take somebody on one side

  EXECUTIONERS take something to one’s head

  BUT ME… I can take it or leave it!

  Our Dog Tiny

  Mum and Dad said one day:

  Would you like a puppy dog?

  We could get one from the RSPCA.

  I said:

  I’d like a big dog, a barking dog,

  A bouncy black and white dog.

  Mum said:

  I’d like a floppy dog, a friendly dog,

  A fluffy sit-on-your-knee dog.

  Dad said:

  I’d like a mean dog, a lean dog,

  A growling, catch-a-thief dog.

  Elizabeth said:

  I don’t mind, whatever kind,

  Will be all right for me.

  At the pound, we found

  Lots and lots of dogs around.

  I said:

  I’d like a big dog, a barking dog,

  A bouncy black and white dog.

  The keeper said:

  We’ve got fun dogs, gun dogs,

  Scotty dogs, spotty dogs,

  Snoopy dogs, droopy dogs,

  Leaping dogs, sleeping dogs,

  Hairy dogs, scary dogs,

  Even acrobatic dogs!

  Mum said:

  I’d like a floppy dog, a friendly dog,

  A fluffy sit-on-your-knee dog.

  The keeper said:

  We’ve got fat dogs, flat dogs,

  Shaggy dogs, scraggy dogs

  Small dogs, tall dogs,

  Tubby dogs,

  chubby dogs,

  Skinny dogs, mini dogs,

  Even currant pudding dogs.

  Dad said:

  I’d like a mean dog, a lean dog,

  A growling, catch-a-thief dog.

  The keeper said:

  We’ve got loud dogs, proud dogs,

  Rough dogs, tough dogs,

  Happy dogs, snappy dogs,

  Mad dogs, bad dogs,

  Collie dogs, jolly dogs,

  Even multi-coloured dogs.

  Elizabeth said:

  I don’t care whatever’s there

  Will be just fine for me.

  We walked and walked

  Around the pound

  And peered in every cage we found,

  Until at last we all agreed

  Upon a mongrel dog, a rag-mop dog

  A little bag of bones dog.

  We named it Tiny and we took it home.

  Since then it’s grown and grown.

  Dad says:

  It chews the bumper on my car,

  And rests its head on the

  breakfast bar.

  Mum says:

  Its growl is like an express train,

  The noise will drive me quite

  insane.

  I say:

  With giant tusks and iron jaw

  It’s crunched and munched my

  bedroom door.

  Maths Homework

  One, two,

  This just won’t do!

  Three, four,

  I’ve told you before!

  Five, six,

  Excuses and tricks!

  Seven, eight, nine,

  Never on time!

  Nine, ten,

  Not even a pen!

  One, two,

  I’m tired of you!

  Three, four,

  Can’t take any more!

  Five, six, seven,

  Why in high heaven

  Eight, nine, ten,

  Do you forget your

  homework,

  Again and again and

  again and again?

  Last Request

  Major Alexander Phinn

  An ancestor of mine,

  Was captured by the enemy

  Acros s the River Rhine.

  The captain of the firing squad

  Asked, ‘Is there a last request?’

  My Uncle Alex smiled and said,

  ‘Yes please – a bulletproof vest!’

  Asking Questions

  When I ask my mum, ‘What’s for tea?’

  She smiles and says, ‘Wait and See!’

  When I ask my dad what things he’s done,

  He smiles and says, ‘In a minute, son.’

  When I ask my gran if I can watch TV

  ‘I’ll think about it,’ she says to me.

  When I ask my gramps about the good old days,

  ‘Now you’re asking,’ he smiles and says.

  If I answer the questions my teacher asks me

  with ‘In a minute’ or ‘Wait and see,’

  I know just what the result would be!

  The Little Chatterbox

  ‘Gemma,’ said the teacher, ‘you’ve been talking all the day.

  Natter, natter, natter – you have such a lot to say.

  Your little mouth is moving every time I look your way.

  I think your mummy has a chatterbox at home.’

  ‘Oh no,’ replied the infant, ‘we don’t have one of those,

  With their little furry faces and their funny little toes.

  My brother he has asthma and the hairs get up his nose,

  So we don’t have any animals at home!’

  Farmgirl

  When she’s collected the eggs

  And milked the cows.

  Groomed the mare

  And fed the sows,

  Filled the troughs

  And stacked the logs

  Cooped the hens

  And penned the dogs…

  She then begins her homework.

  Book Week

  ‘You all come dressed as characters,’

  Miss Wilks, our teacher said,

  ‘From all the famous stories

  And poems that you’ve read.

  And on Monday in assembly

  Everyone will look

  And try to guess the character

  And recognize the book.’

  I went as the Pied Piper

  With coat of gold and red

  And breeches of bright yellow

  And a cap upon my head. It was made of thick crepe paper

  With cardboard belt in brown

  But as I walked to school that day

  The rain came falling down.

  The paper went all soggy

  And all the yellow dye

  Trickled down my forehead

  And I began to cry.

  At school I looked a sorry sight

  All brown and yellow and sad,

  But Miss Wilks, my teacher, dried my eyes

  And said, ‘It’s not that bad.’

  The assembly was fantastic,

  Everyone was there:

  Pinocchio and Captain Hook,

  Noddy and Paddington
Bear,

  Cinderella and Peter Pan,

  There was Alice and Mister Toad.

  Then Miss Wilks pointed straight at me,

  ‘Oh, and here is The Yellow Brick Road.’

  Classroom Creatures

  Mrs Price isn’t nice,

  Her tiger eyes they burn like ice.

  Mr Ryan, hard as iron,

  Stalks the classroom like a lion.

  Mrs Drew, little shrew,

  Very nervous, very new.

  Mr Ash, walrus tash,

  Brings us all out in a rash.

  Dr Gee, can barely see,

  A little furry mole is he.

  Mrs Page, in a rage,

  Like an elephant in a cage.

  Mr Brass, silly ass,

  Plays the fool in every class.

  Albert Baker, school caretaker,

  Dangerous as an alligator.

  But Mrs Meacher, our headteacher,

  Is a most delightful creature.

  Christmas Presents for Miss

  Chocolates in a fancy box –

  For the teacher who is tops!

  A tea towel and an oven glove –

  From Gemma Thompson with my love.

  A bottle stands in thick brown paper –

  All the best – from Darren Baker.

  Perfumed soap from Lee and Chris,

  You’re our favourite teacher, Miss.

  Flowers in a coloured pot –

  Happy Christmas, Helen Bott.

  A china dog with painted face –

  For the teacher who is ace!

  And from the nuisance of the class

  The Nativity encased in glass.

  I know this year I’ve been a pain,

  I’m sorry, Miss – with love from Wayne