It Takes One to Know One
PUFFIN BOOKS
It Takes One to Know One
Gervase Phinn is a teacher, freelance lecturer, author, poet, educational consultant, school inspector, visiting professor of education and, last but by no means least, father of four. Most of his time is spent in schools with teachers and children.
His first book, The Other Side of the Dale, was published in March 1998, followed in 2000 by Over Hill and Dale. This is his first book for children.
Other book by Gervase Phinn
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DALE
OVER HILL AND DALE
Gervase Phinn
It Takes One to Know One
Illustrated by Chris Mould
PUFFIN BOOKS
PUFFIN BOOKS
Published by the Penguin Group
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‘Classroom Creatures’, ‘SchoolTrip’, ‘Book week’, ‘Class Discussion’, ‘The Little Chatterbox’, ‘Bible Class’, ‘My Teacher’, ‘Christmas Presents for Miss’, ‘Parents’ Evening’, ‘Interrogation in the Nursery’, ‘Poetry Lesson’, ‘Farmgirl’, ‘Asking Questions’, ‘Mr Lee Teaches Poetry’ and ‘Once Upon a Time’ first published in Classroom Creatures, by Roselea Publications, 1996
‘It Takes One to Know One’, edited by John Foster, first published in Crack Another Yolk, by Oxford University Press, 1996
This collection published 2001
16
Text copyright © Gervase Phinn, 2001
Illustrations copyright © Chris Mould, 2001
All rights reserved
The moral right of the author and illustrator has been asserted
Except in the United States of America, this book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser
British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library
ISBN: 978-0-14-195681-7
Contents
Treasure
Father Said
Mother to Son
I Only Asked
It Takes One to Know One
Our Dog Tiny
Maths Homework
Last Request
Asking Questions
The Little Chatterbox
Farmgirl
Book Week
Classroom Creatures
Christmas Presents for Miss
Class Discussion
Parents’ Evening
Mr Lee Teaches Poetry
Poetry Lesson
Bible Class
My Teacher
Once Upon a Time
School Trip
Interrogation in the Nursery
Christmas Lights
Too Clever by Half
Holiday to Remember
My Monstrous Bear
Reading Round the Class
Conversation at the School Gates
The Way I Am
Samantha-Jayne
Leaving Home
The Inspector Calls
Earwax
Auntie Penny’s Pets
Bee in the Classroom
Remembrance Day
The Last Word
Please Leave on the Light!
The Pirate
Top Twenty Things That Parents Never Say
Lizzie’s Road
When I Am Old
The Day Mum Brought the Baby Home
Let’s Face It
Remember Me?
If You Go Down to the Woods Today
Five Clerihews
Today, I Feel
Supply Teacher
Interview with the Headmaster
First Love
Dad’s Diet
Unlucky Uncle Eric
Bilingualist
Secret Love
Night Noises
Losing Your Marbles
Index of First Lines
Treasure
Opening the covers of a book
Is like lifting the lid of a treasure chest.
Look inside and you will find
Golden stories and glittering characters.
Some are given a map to show where X marks the spot.
Some are given the precious key to open the lock.
Some are helped to lift the heavy lid.
But for some it will remain hidden treasure.
Father Said
My father said, ‘There is no such word as can’t!’
Well, I looked it up in the dictionary and there is,
And I told him so.
He got angry.
He can’t take a joke my father!
Mother to Son
Eat your breakfast – you should always start the day on a full stomach!
Remember to clean your teeth – a bright smile makes all the difference!
Wash behind your ears – I can see a tide mark from here!
Change that shirt – the collar looks grubby!
Brush your shoes – they’re all scuffed!
Change your socks – you can’t go to school in those!
Take a clean handkerchief – and give your nose a blow!
Straighten that tie – it’s at half mast!
Comb your hair – you look like a scarecrow!
Take a jacket – in case it rains!
Put your sandwiches in your bag – you’d lose your head if it wasn’t screwed on!
Don’t forget your school books and I hope you’ve finished all your work!
Be in before it gets dark!
You’d think at forty-four and a headmaster,
you would be able to make a few decisions for yourself!
I Only Asked
On Sunday Dominic asked his dad:
‘Which is the brightest star?’
‘Ask your mum,’ his dad replied,
‘I have to clean the car.’
On Monday Dominic asked his mum:
‘What’s a carburettor?’
‘Ask your dad,’ his mum replied,
‘I’ve got to post this letter.’
On Tuesday Dominic asked his dad,
‘What’s a UFO?’
‘Ask your mum,’ his dad replied,
‘The grass, it needs a mow.’
On Thursday Dominic asked his dad:
‘How tall are kangaroos?’
‘Ask your mum,’ his dad replied,
‘I’m listening to the news.’
On Friday Dominic asked his dad:
‘Do all kings have a crown?’
‘Ask your mum,’ his dad replied,
‘I’m going into town.’
On Saturday Dominic asked them both:
‘Do you mind me asking things,
About stars and cars and life on Mars
And kangaroos and kings?’
/> ‘Of course we don’t,’ his dad replied,
‘Ask questions as you grow.’
‘By asking things,’ his mother cried,
‘That’s how you get to know.’
Little Dominic scratched his head,
And simply answered, ‘Oh!’
It Takes One to Know One
LIBRARIANS take it as read
HISTORIANS take you aback
CARPENTERS take the edge off
REBELS take up cudgels
HOROLOGISTS take one’s time
CARDIOLOGISTS take heart
TAXI DRIVERS take you for a ride
SNOOKER PLAYERS take one’s cue
KLEPTOMANIACS take it from there
PILOTS take off
PATIENTS take their medicine
HURDLERS take a running jump
COSMETICIANS take a powder
SURGEONS take it out of you
SOLDIERS take steps
DUELLISTS take the point
PURSUERS take after me
HYPOCRITES take on the appearance of
GOOD SAMARITANS take somebody in
LEVITATORS take somebody up on something
WASHERWOMEN take down a peg or two
FOOTBALL MANAGERS take somebody on one side
EXECUTIONERS take something to one’s head
BUT ME… I can take it or leave it!
Our Dog Tiny
Mum and Dad said one day:
Would you like a puppy dog?
We could get one from the RSPCA.
I said:
I’d like a big dog, a barking dog,
A bouncy black and white dog.
Mum said:
I’d like a floppy dog, a friendly dog,
A fluffy sit-on-your-knee dog.
Dad said:
I’d like a mean dog, a lean dog,
A growling, catch-a-thief dog.
Elizabeth said:
I don’t mind, whatever kind,
Will be all right for me.
At the pound, we found
Lots and lots of dogs around.
I said:
I’d like a big dog, a barking dog,
A bouncy black and white dog.
The keeper said:
We’ve got fun dogs, gun dogs,
Scotty dogs, spotty dogs,
Snoopy dogs, droopy dogs,
Leaping dogs, sleeping dogs,
Hairy dogs, scary dogs,
Even acrobatic dogs!
Mum said:
I’d like a floppy dog, a friendly dog,
A fluffy sit-on-your-knee dog.
The keeper said:
We’ve got fat dogs, flat dogs,
Shaggy dogs, scraggy dogs
Small dogs, tall dogs,
Tubby dogs,
chubby dogs,
Skinny dogs, mini dogs,
Even currant pudding dogs.
Dad said:
I’d like a mean dog, a lean dog,
A growling, catch-a-thief dog.
The keeper said:
We’ve got loud dogs, proud dogs,
Rough dogs, tough dogs,
Happy dogs, snappy dogs,
Mad dogs, bad dogs,
Collie dogs, jolly dogs,
Even multi-coloured dogs.
Elizabeth said:
I don’t care whatever’s there
Will be just fine for me.
We walked and walked
Around the pound
And peered in every cage we found,
Until at last we all agreed
Upon a mongrel dog, a rag-mop dog
A little bag of bones dog.
We named it Tiny and we took it home.
Since then it’s grown and grown.
Dad says:
It chews the bumper on my car,
And rests its head on the
breakfast bar.
Mum says:
Its growl is like an express train,
The noise will drive me quite
insane.
I say:
With giant tusks and iron jaw
It’s crunched and munched my
bedroom door.
Maths Homework
One, two,
This just won’t do!
Three, four,
I’ve told you before!
Five, six,
Excuses and tricks!
Seven, eight, nine,
Never on time!
Nine, ten,
Not even a pen!
One, two,
I’m tired of you!
Three, four,
Can’t take any more!
Five, six, seven,
Why in high heaven
Eight, nine, ten,
Do you forget your
homework,
Again and again and
again and again?
Last Request
Major Alexander Phinn
An ancestor of mine,
Was captured by the enemy
Acros s the River Rhine.
The captain of the firing squad
Asked, ‘Is there a last request?’
My Uncle Alex smiled and said,
‘Yes please – a bulletproof vest!’
Asking Questions
When I ask my mum, ‘What’s for tea?’
She smiles and says, ‘Wait and See!’
When I ask my dad what things he’s done,
He smiles and says, ‘In a minute, son.’
When I ask my gran if I can watch TV
‘I’ll think about it,’ she says to me.
When I ask my gramps about the good old days,
‘Now you’re asking,’ he smiles and says.
If I answer the questions my teacher asks me
with ‘In a minute’ or ‘Wait and see,’
I know just what the result would be!
The Little Chatterbox
‘Gemma,’ said the teacher, ‘you’ve been talking all the day.
Natter, natter, natter – you have such a lot to say.
Your little mouth is moving every time I look your way.
I think your mummy has a chatterbox at home.’
‘Oh no,’ replied the infant, ‘we don’t have one of those,
With their little furry faces and their funny little toes.
My brother he has asthma and the hairs get up his nose,
So we don’t have any animals at home!’
Farmgirl
When she’s collected the eggs
And milked the cows.
Groomed the mare
And fed the sows,
Filled the troughs
And stacked the logs
Cooped the hens
And penned the dogs…
She then begins her homework.
Book Week
‘You all come dressed as characters,’
Miss Wilks, our teacher said,
‘From all the famous stories
And poems that you’ve read.
And on Monday in assembly
Everyone will look
And try to guess the character
And recognize the book.’
I went as the Pied Piper
With coat of gold and red
And breeches of bright yellow
And a cap upon my head. It was made of thick crepe paper
With cardboard belt in brown
But as I walked to school that day
The rain came falling down.
The paper went all soggy
And all the yellow dye
Trickled down my forehead
And I began to cry.
At school I looked a sorry sight
All brown and yellow and sad,
But Miss Wilks, my teacher, dried my eyes
And said, ‘It’s not that bad.’
The assembly was fantastic,
Everyone was there:
Pinocchio and Captain Hook,
Noddy and Paddington
Bear,
Cinderella and Peter Pan,
There was Alice and Mister Toad.
Then Miss Wilks pointed straight at me,
‘Oh, and here is The Yellow Brick Road.’
Classroom Creatures
Mrs Price isn’t nice,
Her tiger eyes they burn like ice.
Mr Ryan, hard as iron,
Stalks the classroom like a lion.
Mrs Drew, little shrew,
Very nervous, very new.
Mr Ash, walrus tash,
Brings us all out in a rash.
Dr Gee, can barely see,
A little furry mole is he.
Mrs Page, in a rage,
Like an elephant in a cage.
Mr Brass, silly ass,
Plays the fool in every class.
Albert Baker, school caretaker,
Dangerous as an alligator.
But Mrs Meacher, our headteacher,
Is a most delightful creature.
Christmas Presents for Miss
Chocolates in a fancy box –
For the teacher who is tops!
A tea towel and an oven glove –
From Gemma Thompson with my love.
A bottle stands in thick brown paper –
All the best – from Darren Baker.
Perfumed soap from Lee and Chris,
You’re our favourite teacher, Miss.
Flowers in a coloured pot –
Happy Christmas, Helen Bott.
A china dog with painted face –
For the teacher who is ace!
And from the nuisance of the class
The Nativity encased in glass.
I know this year I’ve been a pain,
I’m sorry, Miss – with love from Wayne