The Day Our Teacher Went Batty Read online

  ‘Well, it’s not,’ said Dad.

  ‘It is a little baby girl,

  And she is beautiful, oh so beautiful.’

  ‘Will she make a lot of noise?’ asked Matthew.

  ‘I guess she will,’ said Dad.

  ‘All babies do.

  You did.’

  ‘And will she smell?’ asked Dominic.

  ‘I guess she will do that as well,’ said Dad,

  ‘All babies do.

  You did.’

  ‘You are quite sure it is a girl?’ asked Richard,

  His brow furrowing.

  ‘Quite sure,’ said Dad and sighed.

  ‘And she’s so beautiful, oh so beautiful:

  Pink and soft, with hair like liquid gold,

  And tiny fingernails like polished shells,

  And little toes like pearly buds,

  And delicate ears and dainty button nose,

  And such a smile, oh, such a smile.’

  ‘Please don’t go on,’ said Richard, holding up a hand,

  ‘I’m sure she’s very nice.’

  Then, turning to his brothers, he remarked,

  ‘I suppose we’ll just have to get used to the idea.’

  Golden Grannies

  Once when my dad was mad with me

  For not tidying my bedroom,

  Stabbing the air with a bony finger

  And raising the roof with his shouts,

  Grandma, who was sitting behind him at the time,

  Pulled a funny face and stuck out her tongue.

  I started to grin and giggle, smile, then splutter.

  Dad, crimson-faced, ballooning with anger,

  Was, for once, completely lost for words.

  Then, seeing Grandma’s manic face in the mirror,

  He turned and cried: ‘Mother!

  I am trying to instil some discipline here!

  You are not really helping!’

  ‘Oh do shut up!’ said Grandma quietly.

  ‘Leave the lad alone.

  He’s only little, bless him.

  Your bedroom was not a palace when you were young.

  In fact it looked as if a bomb had hit it,

  And I never ever told you off,

  Or shouted so at you or wagged a finger thus.

  There are more important things in life

  than an untidy room.

  Now, go and put the kettle on.

  I could do with a cup of tea.’

  Grannies! They are worth their weight in gold!

  Alphabet of Love

  Alice adores

  Bernard, but he likes

  Catherine, who is very fond of

  David with the deep blue eyes.

  Elsie fancies

  Frankie, but he is keen on

  Gemma, who has a crush on

  Harry, a boy to idolize.

  Ivana, she has eyes for

  John, but for him the only one is

  Kirsten, who’s besotted by

  Leonard’s winning smile.

  Mary is entranced by

  Nick, but if he could take his pick

  Olivia would be the girl for she stands out a mile.

  Peter yearns for

  Queenie, but she is quite devoted to

  Ronald, who’s completely smitten by

  Samantha’s golden curls.

  Terry is just wild about

  Ulrika with the little pout, but she dotes on

  Vincent, who chases all the girls.

  Wendy worships

  Xavier, who is very keen on

  Yelda, but she’s in love for all to see with lonely little

  Zebedee.

  Last Word

  ‘Every time I open my mouth,’

  Shouted the teacher,

  ‘Some idiot speaks!’

  Index of First Lines

  A heron, 26

  Alice adores 111

  Always believe in yourself. 27

  Always smile at those you meet, 55

  An angry sun glared through the high window. 4

  A small child was splashing poster paint 5

  ‘And where did you go on holiday this year, Richard?’ 3

  At my sister’s wedding 30

  At the cinema, 51

  The big black bull called to the cow 50

  Dad found a rusty horseshoe in the garage on the floor, 24

  ‘Every time I open my mouth,’ 113

  Good morning, Mr Manning, 17

  Have you cleaned your teeth? 56

  Headmaster: Why are you here outside my room, boy? 100

  He could not describe the beauty that surrounded him: 10

  He looked like a little angel, 6

  If you clamber on that frame, 32

  If you go down to the shops today, 89

  I’m not scared of vampire bats, 93

  The important visitor smiled widely. 7

  The inspector asked the little ones, 79

  In the corner of the classroom, 78

  Here’s a word of warning 70

  I remember my first Bonfire Night. 46

  I sometimes stop and stand and stare 33

  I would sooner: 43

  Last week, when I was looking for my PE kit in the 74

  Like some great stooping monster, 16

  May I hove a biscuit, Mum? 68

  Miss, Peter’s pinched my pencil. 66

  Mr Smart our English teacher 11

  Mum and Dad said one day: Would you like a kitten? 94

  My brother said: ‘When I was your age I never behaved as 72

  My mother said when I asked if I could have 71

  Now, if you are all looking this way, children, I am going 57

  Of all the children I have known, 35

  Oh, Miss, I don’t want to be Joseph, 1

  On April Fools’ Day 48

  Once when my Dad was mad with me 109

  One bright morning, 67

  On Monday I found a wasps’ nest in my garden, 87

  Our teacher, Mrs Paradigm, 28

  Remember, remember, 22

  Richard! 44

  The room was cold and dingy 37

  Soft as fur, hard as iron, 73

  The teacher (it is sad but true) 19

  Today we have a real-live poet in school –14

  Underneath this mound of clay 25

  Watch it! 42

  Watch your manners, 8

  ‘We’ve been baking in class today, 86

  What shall we do with the school inspector? 80

  When Becky died, we planted a tree 76

  ‘When I grow up,’ Elizabeth said, ‘a PRINCESS I will be, 105

  When I knocked a plate off the table 36

  When I was a lad I walked to school 63

  When Lizzie was a little girl, 103

  When Lizzie was born, Dad called the brothers 107

  When Richard clambered up the tree 18

  When they gave out the instruments at school, 13

  ‘Who is that shouting at the top of the stairs?’ 77

  Will you come to my party? 39

  Would you read to me? 45

  ‘You, boy!’ barked the teacher 65

  ‘You look so deep in thought,’ 41

  ‘You see those men,’ said Uncle Ken, 69

  ‘Your writing’s so untidy’ 21